Audrey is back! And right now, I’m dwelling on Nothing.
I’ve been meaning to return to my cherished blog for a while now – somehow, six months have passed by since I last published a post. In that time, I’ve started a new job, deferred uni in favour of a retail apprenticeship and moved house twice… Physically, mentally and emotionally, I’ve experienced more than enough to provide material for many blog posts.
But sometimes, there’s too much. Too much to process, too much to think, too much to feel… Personally, when the incomprehensible roller coaster of life takes me on such a crazy ride that I feel like I can’t get a stable footing, it all becomes white noise and I go numb. I become quiet… I have nothing to say.
I want to express. I want to scream into the void but it keeps screaming back. I want to share what’s going on in the hope that someone will be able to relate… but despite my love of words, I just can’t find the right ones to articulate how I feel or what I want to say.
I want to inspire. I want to share all the challenges I’ve overcome and say, ‘Hey, if I can do it, you can!’ I’m sure I will in a future Audrey post, once I’ve had time to reflect and appreciate. Once the dust has settled.
Arguably, I make things more difficult for myself by being too intense. I do seem to be hard wired to be all or nothing. If I love something, I overflow with enthusiasm and energy; I have insatiable curiosity regarding anything that strikes my interest. The world sizzles and I get burned by my own fire.
But I don’t want to be indifferent. I don’t understand half-hearted – if I do something, I like to bring my heart and soul with me… surely that’s not a bad thing?
I want to dream and dance in the wonder of life. But right now my sizzle has been replaced by a Nothing. Maybe the emptiness is simply much-needed space to breathe and reconnect. And maybe the silence is just the preparation of words.
A while ago a friend sent me a quote:
Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing.
— A.A. Milne
Maybe I should listen to what he was trying to say.
Perhaps I just need to trust the process and find comfort here, dwelling in nothing. Maybe I should allow it to envelop me and trust that, for now, it might be just what I need.
They say time heals. Maybe I need to give it time. Perhaps with time, the dust will settle and the words will come. And maybe I’ll learn to stop using things that light me up as a distraction and burning myself out as a consequence. Perhaps the ebb and flow of things will lead me to the peaceful shore I’m searching for.
To everyone who’s still reading my blog after my absence – and to any new readers – thanks so much for visiting Audrey. If there are any posts you’d like to see in the near future, please let me know in the comments!